I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
