My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
