i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i came on her dog
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
