Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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