You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
