just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
