took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize