There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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