Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
