Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
