U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
