Already got asked if we're dating
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
