I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
