nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
