things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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