my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
