Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize