"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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