Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dignity is for republicans.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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