I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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