i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
