That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
