What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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