Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
