I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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