my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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