Are we in a gay sports bar?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
