I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
