I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
