I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
