My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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