How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
