new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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