how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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