Your face is a jimmy john
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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