Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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