Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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