at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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