I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
