i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
