My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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