I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
