Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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