Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
