Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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