I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
