she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
