i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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