There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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