i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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