Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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