I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
