fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
