Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
