Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize