I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
