Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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