oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
