I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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