I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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