Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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