Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
