I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
