i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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