I'm so fucking centered right now
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
