fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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