Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize