These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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