i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
