I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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