I puked a lego.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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