Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
